I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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