I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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