My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
