Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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