Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
