): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize