There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
