census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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