Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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