I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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