hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize