forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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