Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
