I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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