why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
