new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
