Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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