What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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