I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
