This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
