I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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