I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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