so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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