I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
