he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
