So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
