The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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