I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
