True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
