Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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