My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
