In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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