i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
