Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
