I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
