is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
even my farts smell like vagina
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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