They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
