when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
FUCK WHALES
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize