Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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