I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
