I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize