Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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