I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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