meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize