i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
