I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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