Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You are the jesus of drinking
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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