I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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