Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
