Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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