I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She bit a glass in half.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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