So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
