Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I understand Curling. That high.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
