so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
