Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
