she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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