OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
