i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
