A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
